Exodus of Israel
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The three “Ugandan” leaders walked silently on the deck of the American Sixth Fleet most protected ship. The Mediterranean Sea was bluer than ever, though a dark cloud hung near the horizon, atop what used to be Tel Aviv. They had just been evacuated from there. The richest Israelis were on a nearby ship; among them Ram Jacobson and family, who had been taken care of by Dow Chemical. Netanyahu was disguised as Moses; Tamir Pardo held a long stick, in the presumed style of Aaron. Barak held a Teflon cooking pot in his left hand and a gay mirror in his right one.
On Ugandan Leaders and Betrayal
At the beginning of 2011, Israel fell prey to the Ugandan leaders. Benjamin Netanyahu (the Prime Minister), Tamir Pardo (the Mossad Director since January 1, 2011) and Ehud Barak (the Minister of Defense) had all participated years before that in Operation Entebbe as officers of the terrorist Sayeret Matkal. In 2011, they became known in Jerusalem as “The Ugandans.”
Their arrogance of power made them blind to the early signs. Suddenly, a third conflict began between Israel and Hezbollah. This time the last conquered the Finger of the Galilee, in a very fast event, similar to the described here. Within hours the IDF collapsed; the reserve army didn’t show up (see The Cross of Bethlehem for the reasons) and the regular army was a spent force, too small to be of relevance. The Ugandans took care of evacuating the Mishpaha Halohemet, who finally proved that “Warring Family” was just an empty name. They run to the Sixth Fleet ships as fast as they could, stepping over everybody on their way to personal safety.
Millions of Israeli Jews (almost six million as per the official statistics for 2010; the magic number had been used again) were left behind. Without real choices, an exodus into the Sinai Desert began. However, this time they wouldn’t be allowed to stay there forty years. Egypt was already under international pressure to get rid of the escaping terrorists.
Meanwhile, UN’s Geneva Headquarters
Bijo Birobidzhansky, the famous Jewish magnate and philanthropist, was holding several meetings at once with diplomats from several nations. He was trying to find a solution for what was being called the “Jewish Problem.” He had no personal interests, though the refugees could be of use in his coal mines.
Mordecai Manuel Noah the Fifth was also there, trying to revive the proposal of his 19th century ancestor to found a Jewish homeland at Grand Island in the Niagara River, to be called "Ararat." “They already occupy Washington DC,” the American Ambassador said with a smirk and the idea was quickly dismissed.
Kathy Undertone – a well-known British humanitarian – was also on the line. She proposed to revive the British Uganda Program. The offer was first made by British Colonial Secretary Joseph Chamberlain to Theodore Herzl in 1903. Back then, he offered 13,000 km2 of the Mau Plateau in what is today Kenya; in 1905 the Zionists rejected the offer. ‘But, that would create problems with “The Ugandans,” they are still wanted for crimes there,’ Bijo countered quickly and dismissed Uganda for the second time. Would the third do the charm?
The Japanese dignitary was indignant. “The Fugu Plan never existed; it was just a Zionist defamatory effort against the Empire,” he kept repeating. Named after the Japanese word for puffer-fish, a delicacy which can be fatally poisonous if incorrectly prepared, this plan apparently proposed the resettlement of European Jewish refugees in Imperial Japan. Looking at him with undisguised fascination, Bijo ordered more sushi; nebulous uncertainty made him hungrier than usual.
Heinrich von Ribbentrop said just one word: “Madagascar.” “France doesn’t own Madagascar anymore and – beyond that - it is not in the list of European countries to be bailed out, you can’t force them anymore” Bijo said, killing the succinct German proposition.
Bijo was worried; his mines were in danger. Then he remembered his real roots. Following a few attempts, he successfully made contact with the Far East.
Birobidzhan, the Jewish Autonomous Oblast, Russian Federation
"Impossible," said the governor.
"What do you mean? I want the Russian Federation to create a Jewish state. Can’t you show any mercy to these refugees? Your own blood runs in their saintly veins…”
”Impossible," repeated the governor. “This already is a Jewish Autonomous Oblast. Stalin created it as part of the Soviet Union, an eternal monument to the vital role of the Jews in that noble period of our past,” he added. “Hey, European Yiddish is our formal language; we already have more than 2000 Jews – most of them even alive – and own more land than the State of Israel ever had! Welcome, welcome, Bijo!”
"Do you have room for let’s say six million people?"
"No Problemo, Schwartz” Mi Casa, su casa! In the winters you can cross the border southwards and enjoy Heilongjiang Ice Festival! Welcome, welcome, Bijo!"
Despite the ice, Bijo was sweating. This couldn’t be happening to him. He was righteous. Saint of the saints, blood of the prophets. “Bloody hell!” he said apparently to no one while searching for his fat address book. This wasn’t over yet.
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